Catharsis

I don’t know if I have any subscribers, and I’m not publishing this anywhere, but I hope by writing all this down I find some relief, and that it helps me move on. I did the stupidest thing ever and fell in love with someone I can’t have. Someone I adored more than the woman I thought I was going to marry. This is an open letter to her.

I made the mistake of letting you get too close and caring too much about you, allowing myself to fall for you. There was a time when I knew where you were virtually every second of every day…. and that’s not healthy. I spent every waking second of my free time either messaging you or wondering if you were going to message…. you were the last thing I thought about before sleep and my first thought in the morning. You were my morning noon and night. I knew better but I couldn’t bring myself to say “I cant be your friend” because I thought you were getting something out of it and I didnt want to hurt you. I put your happiness before my own. There’s a word for that and I’m not afraid of it. No I’m not ok, I just need to learn who I am again, without my evenings occupied by your barrage of cute or crazy or random memes. I can’t cope with the constant reminders of how beautiful, hilarious and adorable you are. I need distance I can’t have and the time to fall out of love with you.

Everything else in my life lost its colour, lost its meaning, because nothing else mattered to me compared to you. When your life plays in your mind likes scenes in a movie …. my favourite scenes are with you. I find it so sickening that I could be allowed to meet someone as perfect as you, but not for you to be mine. It would be so easy to simply want to undo everything and wish we could have never met but our friendship made me happier than I’ve been for years. But now I’m going to have to be selfish and put myself first. I’m not OK. Love has torn me apart again.