Catharsis

I don’t know if I have any subscribers, and I’m not publishing this anywhere, but I hope by writing all this down I find some relief, and that it helps me move on. I did the stupidest thing ever and fell in love with someone I can’t have. Someone I adored more than the woman I thought I was going to marry. This is an open letter to her.

I made the mistake of letting you get too close and caring too much about you, allowing myself to fall for you. There was a time when I knew where you were virtually every second of every day…. and that’s not healthy. I spent every waking second of my free time either messaging you or wondering if you were going to message…. you were the last thing I thought about before sleep and my first thought in the morning. You were my morning noon and night. I knew better but I couldn’t bring myself to say “I cant be your friend” because I thought you were getting something out of it and I didnt want to hurt you. I put your happiness before my own. There’s a word for that and I’m not afraid of it. No I’m not ok, I just need to learn who I am again, without my evenings occupied by your barrage of cute or crazy or random memes. I can’t cope with the constant reminders of how beautiful, hilarious and adorable you are. I need distance I can’t have and the time to fall out of love with you.

Everything else in my life lost its colour, lost its meaning, because nothing else mattered to me compared to you. When your life plays in your mind likes scenes in a movie …. my favourite scenes are with you. I find it so sickening that I could be allowed to meet someone as perfect as you, but not for you to be mine. It would be so easy to simply want to undo everything and wish we could have never met but our friendship made me happier than I’ve been for years. But now I’m going to have to be selfish and put myself first. I’m not OK. Love has torn me apart again.

Terminally Single

On occasion, I am asked why I am still single (it has been six years). Every now and again, I get told that I should try my luck on dating sites by well-meaning friends, some of whom have found really good and long-term relationships through them. Some of them have even suggested Tinder, and time and time again I get asked “What have you got to lose?” I won’t lie, sometimes it’s maddening and exasperating as I try and explain that while no, I don’t suppose I DO have anything to lose, it’s simply not happening for me. It’s not who I am.

So just for fun, let me explain to why I’m still single, and more to the point, why I’m going to stay single.

Chapter 1 – “Game”/Confidence

How honest do you want this? When I was 14 years old, my confidence was CRUSHED by a girl at school, and I mean, slaughtered. Like, humiliated in front of nearly 30 classmates. I had already figured out that I wasn’t going to be the proverbial ladykiler, but this booted me into hiding in the corner and I pretty much stayed there for the rest of my life. I never developed the part of the brain that deals with going about getting a relationship or even a date, every time I’ve discovered a girl was interested in me my first reaction is always disbelief, and every girl that’s ever got anywhere with me has had to make the first move, or ALL the moves. We’re talking a small number, obviously. What happens if I go on a date? I’ll tell you – I sit there assuming she’s not interested, if we get on I’m going to assume I’m being friendzoned, and I’m going to miss any and all signs more subtle than just grabbing me. Which is exactly what my last ex had to do for me to understand I was being pulled. So from the off, I’m struggling. I can’t play “the game”, I certainly can’t do “the chase” and in very general terms, I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

Chapter 2 – Fear of rejection

I’ve got a crippling fear of rejection. My history of having a thing for a girl and doing FUCK ALL about it is lengthy. On the small number of times I’ve been able to actually make the closest I can to “the move” i.e. let someone know I’m interested, usually involving a small amount of alcohol (see Chapter 1 – Confidence), it hasn’t gone well for me. I never dealt with a lot of rejection when I was younger because of the aforementioned hiding in the corner, but the handful of inevitable knockbacks I’ve had in adulthood, preceded by my KNOWING that I was going to get knocked back, made me think “Fuck, I wish I hadn’t bothered.” To the point where I stopped bothering. I’ve been on one date in the last six years, and I had to find out after the fact that the girl considered it a date. Which explains how I was able to ask her out in the first place – I didn’t even know I was asking her out! Naturally, in the aftermath, I decided I quite liked her. And did nothing about it. Because. So, you can probably imagine the thought of sending hopeful messages on a dating site to receive zero or negative replies, or clocking how few “matches” I get compared to how many “likes” I’ve done (swiped right, is it?) makes my fucking blood run cold.

Chapter 3 – Trust

I hate to cover old ground for any of my friends that read this who might have heard this, but here goes. When I was 23 I got into a relationship. I had been friends with the girl on and off for six years, and had long thought that she could have been perfect for me but had done nothing about it (see Chapter 2 – Fear of rejection). Going in, I had developed a pathological fear of being lied to, cheated on and eventually left. I had crippling doubts that any girl temporarily interested in me couldn’t possibly remain so (see Chapter 1 – confidence) and it would all go terribly wrong leaving me a heartbroken mess. The girl had gone through a messy breakup and been cheated on, but we had been friends for so long that when she told me she thought I was special, I believed her. When she said she wanted something serious, I believed her. She used words like “love” and “forever” and “hero” and “soulmate” and we lived together, took holidays with her family and talked about getting married. You already know where I’m going here…. after four years when we split up for good, I found out she had been cheating on me. Somebody I had known for ten years, who I thought I KNEW and had shared the entirety of who I am more than anyone ever in the history of my life, cheated on me and ultimately left me a heartbroken mess, just as I had always feared. I hadn’t dealt with “a breakup” in my teens, I was twenty-fucking-seven, and my biggest fears were realized. I won’t bore you with details about how hard I found it to go on for a while, but as much as being single sometimes bothers me, do I want to expose myself to the risk of THAT kind of pain again? Do I fuck.

Chapter 4 – Girls

Jesus, I’m going to regret this one, aren’t I. Despite what you’ll come to read below and the idea that “beggars can’t be choosers” – I’m actually stupidly picky. I mean, I don’t think I ask for much, but if what I ask for isn’t there, it’s dead in the water. All I truly look for…. first and foremost, she needs to make me laugh. If I don’t catch myself laughing at what comes out of her mouth or things that she does, I almost never have any interest. As important, I have to make her laugh. Once I let my guard down and let the real me come out a little, if we’re laughing at the same things or at each other, that’s golden to me. When all the other bullshit fades away, if we’re laughing together, that lasts, and that’s what attracts me. On top of that… butterflies. It needs to be said, but there needs to be that “something indescribable.” I settled on “butterflies” and I don’t necessarily mean physical attraction, just that … I don’t know. Catching myself smiling about something she does, says or is, just that little voice inside that says “I like being around you.” Probably not making it clear but… yeah. If you really twisted my arm and asked me about the physical, then dark hair, pale skin and eyes I lose myself in will never hurt, but by no means have my inappropriate crushes over the years been limited to that description.

Oh yeah… the inappropriate crushes. Meet girl, decide she has what I like, struggle to deal with the fact it simply isn’t happening. Occasionally just because she isn’t going to be interested (see Chapter 2 – Fear of rejection) or 99% of the time because she’s taken already. Because I’m just that picky. But you know what? I’ve been single that long, that I’ve given myself the right to be picky. I’m hardly going to stick my neck out now unless I’m 100% in the “I like this one” stakes.

Chapter 5 – Failings and Shortcomings

Please don’t write this off as an inferiority complex – I reckon I know what girls like, and I don’t have it. I have zero confidence in my looks and positively negative body con. I’ve struggled with my weight my entire adult life as a guy that likes sedentary pastimes and snacking and whose asthma has always made exercise problematic. And to be blunt, if I’m not going to the gym with someone, I give up too easily and get depressed. Of course, having spent my whole life watching the girls I like being with the good looking guys (see Chapter 4 – Girls) it’s become too easy to just accept that I’m pretty screwed anyway (see Chapter 1 – Confidence). As for the rest… I don’t have any money to speak of, my interests are few and niche, and as far as that unconscious “suitable father” theory goes, it’s pretty clear that I’m not really an actual grown-up. I can’t look after myself, much less anyone else. And guess what? Doubts about whether I’d be any good at looking after the kids we probably weren’t going to have anyway was one of the reasons thrown at me the last time I got dumped, and if I ever had the chance to get over the myriad of things I hate about my own body, I’m likely to never get over the fact my one long-term, serious, grown-up relationship came to a crashing halt because she decided she wanted to fuck other guys. I don’t think there’s any coming back from that.

Biggest problem I have, I think, is that girls see through me. Within hardly any time, due to my inability to play “the game”, a girl figures out that I don’t really manage the “go out a few times and see how it goes” thing, and if I’ve figured out that I’m interested enough to test the water, chances are I’ve already decided I’m interested in something serious, and that scares girls away. I’m hardly ever, truly, thinking “we should go out sometime” – I go from zero to “I’d like you to be my girlfriend” in hardly any time. Even though (see Chapter 3 – Trust) I’m never actually going to allow myself to actually pursue it unless the stars align and I trip into something that gives me genuine hope (see Chapter 4 – Girls) but that doesn’t happen for me. Never has, never will.

Best of all, the fact I’ve actually taken the time to think about all this and put it into words should tell you all you need to know about the state of my brain, and girls want a man, not a fucking project.

There you go, I think that covers it. I’m fucked. I’m not going on dating websites, I’m not going on Tinder. I’m not doing fucking anything. Please, don’t think of any of this as being me “giving up” or being down on myself. I’m 33 years old, and I know who I am. It’s taken many years, I freely admit I’m a little broken, but I KNOW WHO I AM and I’ve accepted it. So please… don’t try and help me. Don’t tell me what I need to be doing to improve my situation, don’t try and set me up with your friends, just leave me alone.

Please don’t tell my mother any of this.

I Hate Valentine’s Day.

I hate Valentine’s Day. Truly, truly loathe it. I’ve said it, it’s out there, and I expect I’ll take some flak for it. But I’m going to explain to you why, and hopefully you won’t judge me so harshly by the end of this piece.

I know what some people who read this might be thinking. They’ll be thinking “You just hate Valentine’s Day because you’re single.” Well, that certainly doesn’t help, does it? No, being alone on Valentine’s Day can be a really unpleasant experience. From the point of view of the terminal singleton – like myself – you already succumb to the feeling that everyone else in the world is forcing their happinness down your throat, that you’re doomed to walk the Earth alone while everyone else stares and thinks “Finding someone is so easy, why hasn’t he/she done it too?” That feeling is magnified to dizzying heights around VD. You cannot walk around a corner, it seems, without some ad campaign blurting out another great idea how to spoil your special someone on February 14th, or some rom-com coming out dedicated to showing you explicitly how everybody else’s lovelife happens, and yours does not.

Worst of all, without doubt, is Facebook. Now, in fairness, even at the best of times Facebook can feel like the world’s biggest competition to make your life look better than everyone else’s, but Valentine’s Day in particular becomes a gratuitous display of “look how much my other half loves me!” It makes the other 364 days of the year pale in comparison to how outright sucky it feels to not HAVE someone to spoil or make feel special. I know not every coupled-up person feels the need to broadcast how fabulous their relationship is, and from personal experience (warning : hypocrite alert) while the four VDs I spent with my last ex, I did in fact make a lot of effort and spend a lot of money to make the day as special as I could for her, I took great delight in putting none of it on Facebook. I was too busy living the moments to take pictures of the flowers or the meals or the wine, and to be frank those moments were for US, and I didn’t consider them anybody else’s damn business.

Me on Valentine’s Just kidding… it’s every day.

But finally, my biggest problem with Valentine’s Day as a concept, is that it actually fundamentally flies in the face of my idea of romance. Romance to me is about spontaneity, creativity and imagination. The unexpected things you do, the joyous surprises. I can think of nothing less romantic than an arbitrarily selected day where you are expected to go out of your way to prove how much you love your partner, as if the other 364 days a year are any less important to let somebody know how special they are. For me, romance is things like turning up unexpectedly as she finishes her shift to take her out for a meal without warning, taking a day off unannounced so you can spend a day together for a change, buying that dress she pointed out two weeks ago or coming home with flowers JUST BECAUSE. Not spending wildly on the same day every year just because every other fucker does it too.

So there you go, that’s why I hate Valentine’s. Yes, I am a hypocrite. When I was in a couple, despite being told “I don’t want you to make a big deal of Valentine’s” I always managed to do exactly that, because despite the warning, no guy wants to be the guy that doesn’t do anything on Valentine’s Day. And therein lies the problem.

Come in Chosen One… your time is up.

Today Manchester United, for all their early-season bluster about longevity, parted ways with “The Chosen One” David Moyes, after a string of poor results and failure to qualify for next season’s Champions League rendered his position apparently untenable. Herein I shall attempt to dissect what has gone so badly wrong for last year’s champions and in particular the manager. There are many reasons for Manchester United’s sudden and unexpected (by some) decline. I’ve already gone over some of the reasons why this season’s performance hasn’t been up to scratch (or more crucially that last season they over-achieved) in my previous piece, and I’ll do my best not to repeat myself here. While the bulk of my analysis will be the manager himself, certain things need also to be said of the players too.

The Players

In simplest terms, the players have let Moyes down badly on and off the pitch. Some of the performances have done more damage for me than the results. Conceding late, failing to retain (or build on) a lead, and a display at Everton which was frankly impotent. The manner of that defeat was worse than the scoreline. I have been lamenting the “sleepy” performances of Rio Ferdinand for five seasons now, and other older players have felt like they’ve been playing with the metaphorical fag in their mouths. Nemanja Vidic announcing his departure halfway through the season was a ludicrous state of affairs and some of his performances – and in particular some of the facial reactions to conceding goals – have told the story of a man already thinking about his new club. Either that or his holiday.

Smalling ; fool.

Off the pitch, the poor discipline of Moyes’ young (English) players further betrayed a lack of commitment to the cause with their penchant for a late night at the most inopportune times. On the eve of the West Ham game in March, Chris Smalling (24) – while injured – was photographed and observed dancing a jig outside a Manchester club at 3AM, singing: “We’re Man United – we’ll do what we want.” An observer said “He’d obviously had a good night with his mates. They were singing football songs and having a great time.” I’m not sure whether it’s the behaviour itself that I find so repugnant or the irresponsibility of having a night on the lash when you’re meant to be injured and seeming so buoyant despite your team enduring a season of unprecedented failure, but this was not a great message about the discipline at the club.

Welbeck ; clown.

Mere weeks later Danny Welbeck (23) and Tom Cleverley (24) were also snapped dancing in the street outside Sakura on Deansgate Locks at 3AM hours after being knocked out of the Champions League by Bayern after Ashley Young had jumped into a taxi. An onlooker gave the MEN paper a quote of “It is amazing. They were laughing and dancing and looked to be having a real good night.” Spot a pattern emerging here? I can’t imagine any Man United fan not being offended by such crass merriment so soon after a devastating loss. Players like Smalling, Welbeck and Cleverley should thank their lucky stars they get near a Manchester United starting 11, and this behaviour I find totally deplorable, even as a neutral.

Revolving door centre-backs

Once upon a time…

Due to the reliance on the injury-prone Vidic and the past-it Ferdinand who also had spells on the sidelines, Moyes has had to constantly rotate his centre-back partnerships. Even in this era of rotation, you simply can’t compete without a settled defensive core of goalkeeper and centre-backs. Ferdinand and Vidic playing together every week won them titles. Kompany & Lescott won one for their local rivals. You build from the back, and United have been trying to build on shifting sands rather than concrete.

Have a look at United’s centre-backs for the following poor results :

22/09/13 Man City (A) 1-4            Ferdinand and Vidic
28/09/13 West Brom (H) 1-2        Ferdinand and Evans
19/10/13 Southampton (H) 1-1     Jones and Evans
24/11/13 Cardiff (A) 2-2                  Ferdinand and Evans
04/12/13 Everton (H) 0-1               Smalling and Vidic
07/12/13 Newcastle (H) 0-1          Vidic and Evans
01/02/14 Stoke (A) 1-2                   Jones and Evans
09/02/14 Fulham (H) 2-2              Smalling and Vidic
16/03/14 Liverpool (H) 0-3           Jones and Vidic
25/03/14 Man City (H) 0-3            Jones and Ferdinand
20/04/14 Everton (A) 0-2              Jones and Evans

Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but that’s far too much screwing around. No understanding between De Gea and any partnership could truly be established, so their defence suffered catastrophically. If too many years hadn’t been spent trying to turn Smalling into a right-back and Jones into a midfielder when they had an establised centre-back partnership for the England Under-21s, they might have been laughing now.

Points dropped due to defensive-minded substitutions

Tough place to win, Cardiff. Just ask Cardiff themselves.

Moyes’ mentality when it came to changes was still very much a mid-table manager’s mindset when he first arrived. In the mauling at Man City, at 4-0 down he replaced Ashley Young with Tom Cleverly on 52 minutes, attempting damage limitation rather than a change to inspire a comeback. That’s not Manchester United. In the Southampton game where an 89th minute equalizer was conceded, he replaced Nani with Ryan Giggs on 69 and Wayne Rooney with Chris Smalling on 87, two clear indicators of “We’ll take a 1-0.” Traditionally Man United have always defended a one goal lead at home by scoring a second and third, not trying to shut up shop. A 1-0 at home to Barcelona I could understand, but it’s Southampton! In the Cardiff game, Moyes again brought on Ryan Giggs – this time for Javier Hernandez – on 73 minutes, attempting to settle for the win by the odd goal, only to concede a 90th minute equalizer. Taking the lead and failing to retain (or build on) it? Conceding late goals? That’s not Manchester United. By December, he’d gotten out of the habit of making these timid changes, but by that time United’s soft underbelly had been exposed too many times, the fear factor was gone, and defeats at home to Everton and Newcastle were just round the corner.

“It’ll be alright in the end”

Listening to the comments Moyes made after every bad result, his biggest mistake may have been believing the board were going to show patience. Every game seemed to be “it’s a work in progress” and if you keep thinking it’s all about the future, you get caught napping and suddenly the tomorrow you were thinking about yesterday is TODAY, and the poor performances are still going on. All of these quotes are taken from the BBC website in the wake of (I feel) United’s poorest results of the season, and there are some trends. He laments poor defending from set pieces and not taking chances to put games out of sight, but the same problems occur in subsequent games, he seems to not know how they haven’t won certain games (here’s a clue David – your players weren’t good enough) and vitally – it’s a long-term process. It’s highly feasible that these assurances from Moyes of his God-given right to the time to turn things around merely served to highlight how desperate they are NOW, and helped the board decide enough was enough.

22/09/13 City (A) 1-4
“I’ve made the players aware of how I expect them to respond, if there was any group of players I would expect that from it would be Manchester United players. It is the way they have been brought up.”
“Every manager has bad days and bad results and I’m no different.”
“It is one game. There are plenty more to come and plenty of time to fix it.”

28/09/13 West Brom (H) 1-2
“You’re always going to have bad results in football, it is how you deal with them, we will move on and look forward to the next one. There are lots of games here and you get ready for the next one.”
“I’m concerned after the game but only because we didn’t play well. We can put it right.”

19/10/13 Southampton (H) 1-1 (Lallana 89th minute equalizer)
“We had the opportunities to get the game finished off. While it was 1-0, there was always the chance that Southampton might get something. I thought we had just about seen it out, then they got the corner late on. We didn’t do well enough [from the corner]. We will work on it and make sure we do it.”

24/11/13 Cardiff (A) 2-2 (Kim 90th minute equalizer)
“Disappointment that we didn’t take all three points, but Cardiff made a game of it and put us under pressure. We gave away a stupid free-kick which led to the [equalising] goal but we had one or two chances ourselves which could have put the game to bed earlier.”

04/12/13 Everton (H) 0-1 (Oviedo 86th minute winner)
“I am disappointed to lose, that’s the way the game goes sometimes. The game was tight, we missed some opportunities to score and Everton took their opportunities.”

“Spiceworld.”

07/12/13 Newcastle (H) 0-1
“We have to play better, pass it better, make more chances and take more opportunities. But we have just not been able to do that in the last couple of games.”
“(The fans) understand there is a big transition going on here. I don’t think they, or me, expected us to have lost five games at this time of the season, but I think they understand totally that there is a change going on.”

01/02/14 Stoke (A) 1-2
“I don’t know what we have to do to win, I thought we were extremely unlucky.”
 “We made numerous chances and opportunities to score, but we couldn’t take them,”
“We should have been out of sight with the amount of opportunities we had today and we only have ourselves to blame.”

09/02/14 Fulham (H) 2-2 (Bent 90th minute equalizer)
“It’s been a bit like that this season. [Sunday] was as bad as it gets. We dominated.”
“Maybe we could have defended a couple of times a bit better, taken a few more of the chances we made, but we completely dominated and we should have won the game. The amount of attempts, chances and play we had was unbelievable. How we didn’t win I have no idea.”

Don’t blame yourselves, lads.

16/03/14 Liverpool (H) 0-3
 “We are going to have to do better. We are going to have to make ourselves harder to beat and also to create more opportunities.
“I think the job was always going to be hard but if you are asking me is it harder than I thought I would say so, yes.”
“It will be very difficult but it is not over yet, So we have to keep working as hard as we can. We have given ourselves a long road.”

25/03/14 Man City (H) 0-3
“I thought it would be a tough year but I hoped it would be more competitive.”
“Everybody knows this is a job that is going to take a little bit of time to get the way we would like but that is the job, Other clubs have had to do rebuilding jobs – we hope it won’t take as long as some others but we have a period of time to get to that level.”

20/04/14 Everton (A) 0-2
“I thought we did well, were the better team at 2-0 down in the first half.
“We’ll do everything we can to win the remaining four games. We are under way with what we are doing to improve next season and try to give ourselves a better chance to compete at the top end of the table.”

“You bastard.”

I know the man can’t be blunt in criticizing his players and that Tim Sherwood style “I’m not playing Cleverley because he’s been rubbish lately” wouldn’t be Manchester United, but you really see the picture of the Scot slumped over in his chair massaging his temples repeating “It’ll be OK… it’ll be OK…” over and over again.

So, in the previous blog entry about Moyes I made it clear that we should judge David Moyes on 14-15 season, but the Manchester United board have not had the patience, and after the Everton game I’m inclined to believe the fans have lost theirs as well. Ultimately it’s perhaps daft that we’ll never know what he and Ed Woodward could have done in the transfer window, but maybe the appropriate appointment forthcoming will set matters straight. “Restore United from the ashes” is a more tempting challenge than “replace the irreplaceable” after all.

Well, you didn’t think I’d make it all the way to the end without ONE allusion to Ferguson… did you?

20 Years Of Live Wrestling – Part I – From Kwang to Lionheart…

…. and 85 stops in between.

During my 20 years going to live pro wrestling shows, I have seen an awful lot of Britain, and of course, I have seen Japan. I have been to a variety of shows from tiny shows in sports halls and community centres to arena shows on Pay Per View with title changes and tournament finals, from a huge variety of companies across 87 separate wrestling shows. What follows is not intended to be a full documentation, just a flavour. I will start with a brief look at certain milestone shows and some of the places I have been, athletes I have been to see, and what kind of matches I’ve seen them contest and for what honours.

THE FIRST SHOW
FRIDAY 25TH MARCH 1994 * WWF EUROPEAN TOUR * TELFORD
(1) Kwang pinned Koko B Ware after a spinning heel kick.
(2) Earthquake pinned IRS after the Earthquake.
(3) Diesel pinned 1-2-3 Kid after a big boot.
(4) Bam Bam Bigelow pinned Tatanka with a schoolboy (Tatanka was distracted by IRS).
(5) Jeff Jarrett pinned Doink with a schoolboy.
(6) WWF Tag Team Champions The Quebecers beat Men On A Mission.
(7) WWF Champion Bret “Hitman” Hart pinned Owen Hart with a small package.

Yes, I have this program. Blokes on the cover were on the German leg of the tour.

The show was a mere five days after WrestleMania X, which I had not seen yet due to not having borrowed the tape from my friend with Sky yet. I knew very little about what I was going to get to see, other than it was the WWF and it was in Telford. To this day, I’ve yet to have a reason to return to Telford. By the by. In the queue to get into the building, my old man kept my expectations in check by telling me “It probably won’t be anyone you know off TV.” It wasn’t an intentional ruse, that was just his nature. I heard another child refer to Owen as being “flukey” and suddenly guessed that he must have beaten his big brother at WrestleMania. I was quite upset. Upon buying the program, I was thrilled to see that all the major stars were on the European tour, and I wondered who I would get to see. During the undercard my personal memories are the shock I felt when I saw Tatanka pinned – to my knowledge at the time, only Ludvig Borga had done that – and my old man’s reactions. He couldn’t believe how tall Diesel was, and when Luna Vachon came out with Bam Bam he exclaimed “What the hell is that?” When the main event was announced as for the belt, I got excited. I didn’t know who the champion was after Mania. When Owen Hart came out as the challenger, my 11 year old brain rationalized that he probably wasn’t wrestling Luger or Yokozuna. Sure enough, my hero came out with the belt around his waist, and I went crazy like only hyperactive children do. I still treasure the memory.

THE COMPANIES
I have been to see a myriad of companies over the years, and without doubt I have watched every promotion I’ve ever been passionate about and followed religiously. I have placed in brackets the amount of times I have seen each promotion, in bold the five companies I have seen most often.

The American Feds
WWF/E (4), WCW (1), TNA (10) ROH (4)
The Japanese (Male) Feds
New Japan (11), All Japan (2), Pro Wrestling Noah (4), Zero-One (3), Dragon Gate : UK (9), DDT (1)
The Joshi Feds
Wave/ZABUN promotions (3), JWP, Stardom, Ice Ribbon (1 each)
The British Feds
PCW (10), 1PW (9), IPW:UK/Rev Pro (2), FWA, FCW, AWW, FutureShock, Pro Wrestling EVE (1 each) One-Off Supershows (6)

THE TENTH SHOW
FRIDAY 6TH JANUARY 2006 * 1PW NO TURNING BACK NIGHT ONE * DONCASTER DOME
(1) Jerry Lynn pinned Petey Williams.
(2) Spud pinned Elix Skipper.
(3) Masato Tanaka vs Steve Corino went to a no contest.
(4) Southern Comfort beat Al Snow & The Blue Meanie.
(5) Jeff Jarrett pinned Harry Smith.
(6) Low Ki won a triangle match over Jonny Storm and Jody Fleisch.
(7) Sterling James Keenan pinned Ulf Herman.
(8) Darren Burridge pinned Doug Williams.
(9) AJ Styles won a four-corners over Chris Daniels, Samoa Joe and Charlie Haas.
(10) Abyss pinned Sabu in a no-disqualification match.

AJ Styles takes flight in the four-way. He was always Donny’s favourite.

After several years of dipping in and out of going to wrestling, 1PW was a fed that captured the imagination purely down to its combination of loads of imports and affordable tickets. This business model soon fell apart and once AJ and friends stopped coming over, I lost a lot of interest because they hadn’t done enough with the British guys to keep me interested – something which PCW so spectacularly get RIGHT these days. The cheapest tickets at the Doncaster Dome up in the balcony were actually my favourite, the view wasn’t bad and you got to harass people blatantly lost looking for the roller disco. No, I’m not making that up. The card here was ridiculous fun in a “something for everyone” manner – Bret Hart was the special guest and introduced the Baby Bulldog as Jarrett’s “mystery opponent” which went down a treat with patriotic Yorkshiremen who did not seem too keen on the then-NWA World Heavyweight Champion. The main event was chaotic without being messy, and Sterling Keenan (now Corey Graves) was a great heel that I really took to booing, despite not knowing who he was previously. This was 1PW’s second ever show, and for a while, they really had something special going on.

THE PLACES
Here are the towns and cities, small and large, that I have watched pro wrestling in during the 87 shows.
England
Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham, Nottingham, Preston, Coventry, Oxford, Preston, Stockport, Morecambe, Doncaster, Wolverhampton, Telford, Stockport, Castleford (Yorkshire), Hoddesdon (Hertfordshire), St Ives (Cambridgeshire), Gornal (West Midlands)

– The biggest arenas being the NEC and the NIA (both Birmingham), the Manchester Evening News Arena, and the Coventry SkyDome, all for some of the bigger shows you could see in England since 1994 – TNA, Pro Wrestling Noah, the WWF One Night Only PPV. The smallest being the Baggeridge Social Welfare Club in Lower Gornal which amounts to little more than a bar with a ring put up. But hey, even there I saw someone that made it to international TV, (now Rockstar) Spud. I actually had a pint, ciggy and packet of scratchings with him after the show, and I told him who I thought was going to win every match in the 1PW title tournament the week after, from first round through to final. “You’re not far wrong” were his exact words. I wasn’t even slightly wrong, as it happened.
Japan
OK, so you wouldn’t get much joy from “Tokyo, Yokohama, Warabi” so here are the actual buildings, for anyone that may be interested :
Korakuen Hall – Dome City, Bunkyo, Tokyo
Ryōgoku Kokugikan (a/k/a Sumo Hall) – Sumida, Tokyo
Yoyogi National Stadium Gymnasium 2 – Shibuya, Tokyo
Shinjuku FACE – Kabukichō, Shinjuku, Tokyo
Shin-Kiba 1st Ring – Kōtō, Tokyo
Yokohama Bunka Gymnasium (a/k/a Cultural Gynasium) – Yokohama, Kanagawa
Warabi Dojo (a/k/a Isami Wrestle Arena) – Warabi, Saitama

Shin-Kiba 1st Ring… not without its charm.

A packed house at Sumo Hall (13,000 capacity) can’t be beaten, and my memory of going to Gas Panic in Roppongi after far too many mojitos with my host and friend Sean, the incredible superfan Tsukasa Kojima and the then-JWP Openweight Champion Hailey Hatred, will be with me forever, but an equally memorable time were my trips to probably the smallest venue, Shin-Kiba 1st Ring. Essentially a disused warehouse by the side of the road, a two minute walk from the train station in an industrialized dump of a town (the only part of Tokyo I’ve ever seen litter strewn on the pavement), the place has a certain charm for wrestling. Incidentally one of my YouTube videos is one of the first things that appears if you Google image search the place. A journey to see Pro Wrestling Wave was especially notable because spotting a six-foot Westerner in the queue – the only one in a crowd of 191 fans – they stuck a camera in my face and interviewed me through an interpreter. A pretty, female interpreter who insisted on giving me a hug and posing for a photo, which was nice. They were surprised to learn I wasn’t that interested in the ongoing London Olympics, despite the fact I had flown 6000 miles to watch pro wrestling in their country instead! The second time I went to 1st Ring was no less memorable, for DDT’s “Beer Garden Fight 2013,” which featured a beer tent and barbecue, where despite the extortionate mark-ups, I doubt I’ve ever drank or eaten that much during a show before, or since. I’ve never had my sausages cooked by the roster anywhere else either.

THE TWENTY-FIFTH SHOW
THURSDAY JUNE 12TH 2008 * TNA UK TOUR * LIVERPOOL OLYMPIA
(1) World X Champion Petey Williams won a triangle match over Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt, pinning Lethal after the Canadian Destroyer.
(2) James Storm & Awesome Kong beat Doug Williams & Gail Kim, Storm pinning Williams after a superkick.
(3) Abyss pinned Rhino after the Black Hole Slam.
(4) A.J. Styles pinned Bobby Roode after the Styles Clash.
(5) World Tag Team Champions Homicide & Hernandez beat The Motor City Machine Guns, Homicide pinning Shelley after an Ace Crusher off Hernandez’ shoulders.
(6) World Heavyweight Champion Samoa Joe beat Booker T by submission to the Kokina Clutch.

TNA at the Liverpool Olympia. A great venue for wrestling, they did it up quite nice.

This was the first of four nights of TNA’s very first tour of Britain, which I attended three of, and started a run of going to see TNA every year they came over, until a depleted roster and my apathy towards their product made me stop in January of this year. Though an injury to Kurt Angle was terrible timing, I was nonetheless thrilled to see AJ again after two years without, a recurring theme of “go to a show, Doug’s there” continued with the news that he’d actually signed a TNA deal, and even though this show wasn’t quite as good as the next night’s in the same building (blame jetlag I guess) there was still an impressive “balls to the wall” showing in one match, sparked by the effort of two guys – The Motor City Machine Guns. I genuinely don’t think those two guys differentiate between a “house show” and any other card, and as good as their match here with LAX was, their opener the next night with Petey Williams and Sonjay Dutt was even better. True high octane stuff.

“Doug’s There….”
I have alluded to it above, but I think I need to point out just how remarkable it is that whenever I seem to go to any promotion long enough or almost any foreign promoter touring, over the last ten years at least I can always rely on seeing one face – Doug Williams. The guy is absolutely everywhere. He’s the most ubiquitous wrestler of all time.

• Alex Shane organizes a supershow or a big intercontinental tournament which I attend – Doug’s there.
• 1PW create a roster that mixes homegrown talent with expensive imports – Doug’s there.
• Ring Of Honor make their international debut in England – Doug’s there.
• IPW:UK stage “IPW vs The World” with homegrown vs imports – Doug’s there.
• TNA make their UK debut – Doug’s there.
• Pro Wrestling Noah stage THEIR first show in Europe – Doug’s there.
• A mix of British, European and American stars come to Wolverhampton for Indypendence Day – Doug’s there.
• 1PW reboots again and runs Liverpool – Doug’s there.
• I check out PCW for the first time – Doug’s there. Winning their Heavyweight title, no less.
• Rev:Pro bring over Jushin Liger and build a show around him – Doug’s there.

The only decent-sized promotion that uses local talent and have ever come over and failed to use Doug has been Dragon Gate – and that’s kind of understandable given their style. Otherwise the message is clear – in Britain? Need wrestlers? Call Doug. Of the 87 shows that made up my first twenty years as a wrestling fan, Doug Williams was on exactly 30 of them, making him the wrestler I have seen wrestle the most – by a CONSIDERABLE margin.

TNA in Liverpool : Gail Kim looks surprised to see Doug. I wasn’t.

Note – I’m going to 4FW’s World Cup in October, three nights in Swindon, Bristol and a TBA venue, a mix of American, Japanese and homegrown guys. Doug’s there.

THE FIFTIETH SHOW
FRIDAY 21ST OCTOBER 2011 * DRAGON GATE UK INVASION 3 * BROXBOURNE CIVIC HALL
(1) Akira Tozawa pinned Dragon Kid with the Package German Suplex. (12:21)
(2) Gamma pinned Naoki Tanizaki with the Gamma Special. (13:10)
(3) Mark Haskins, Marty Scurll & Lion Kid beat CIMA, BxB Hulk & Naruki Doi, Scurll pinning CIMA after a Back Buster. (16:59)
(4) Susumu Yokosuka pinned Masato Yoshino with a Jumbo No Kachigatame. (18:43)
(5) Shingo Takagi pinned Pac after Made In Japan. (21:16)

DG:UK in Broxbourne : Shingo has “The Man That Gravity Forgot” in trouble.

This was the first show I went to after I had got back from my first trip to Japan, and I had wondered if anything could ever come close to that experience again. While nothing domestic has really ever touched the emotions of seeing Tetsuya Naito’s plucky campaign brutally ended by the imperious Shinsuke Nakamura in a packed and emotional Sumo Hall, I needn’t have worried that I wouldn’t enjoy other shows as much any more. Mark Sloan’s fabulous setup delivered in spades. I’m tempted to say that this show was only truly an appetizer for the night after which featured the staggering aerials of Pac vs Dragon Kid for the Open The Brave Gate belt and the epic rubber match between Shingo and Yokosuka, and that the “Pick Your Poison” nature of Shingo and Yokosuka’s matches on the night made it too predictable that both would win, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a blinding show.

THE GOLD

Apollo 55 successfully defend their IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Championship against the Golden Lovers, Sumo Hall, August 2011. Kenny Omega suffers the after effects of the Black Sunday. I was there.

Here is a nice little list of some of the more prestigious titles I’ve seen contested over the years, the asterisk indicating that I saw that title change hands. I’ve only gone for the biggest promotions and in the case of Zero-One, its biggest title, as it has a myriad of minor titles, mostly affiliated with the NWA. Maybe harsh since the match where I DID see the NWA United National Heavyweight title change hands was a really good one, but in the big scheme of things in terms of that particular belt… who cares, right?

WWF/E Championship, WWF Tag Team Championship, WWF European Championship*, United States Championship, World Cruiserweight Championship
WCW World Tag Team Championship
TNA World Heavyweight Championship, TNA World Tag Team Championship*, TNA X Division Championship, TNA Womens Championship, TNA Global Championship
ROH World Championship, ROH World Tag Team Championship*, ROH World Television Championship, ROH Pure Championship*
GHC Heavyweight Championship, GHC Tag Team Championship*, GHC Junior Heavyweight Championship, GHC Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Championship
IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Championship
AJPW Junior Heavyweight Championship*
Open The Brave Gate Championship
Zero1 World Heavyweight Championship*

It’s worth noting that the European title change I witnessed was when the title still had some prestige to it – Shawn Michaels upending Davey Boy Smith, which went on last at One Night Only ahead of the Hart/Undertaker WWF title match. I was privileged to see Minoru Suzuki & Naomichi Marufuji dethrone Doug Williams & Scorpio for Noah’s tag belts in – of all places – the Morecambe Dome, and I was in attendance at the Wulfrun Hall in Wolverhampton – of all places – when Takashi Sugiura pinned Kotaro Suzuki to draw level with Kenta Kobashi’s record for successful GHC Heavyweight title defences, a record of which he would surpass over in Oberhausen, Germany. Without doubt one of the most emotional title matches I saw was when Bryan Danielson defeated a bloody Nigel McGuinness in the Liverpool Olympia to unify the ROH World and Pure titles. Very visible on the DVD, when Dragon puts Nigel in Cattle Mutilation, you can see me put my head in my hands. Also, the emotions of wanting so desperately to see Austin Aries & Bobby Roode take the tag titles from Hernandez & Chavo, getting to see that match, AND it coming true – to a big pop – was a fantastic experience. That TNA’s shoddy sound engineering robbed the TV broadcast of ANY atmosphere from that match and moment is one of the many reasons I started to sour on them.

What an amazing moment : Aries celebrates the tag team title win like it matters. Oh, and spot me in the crowd.

In addition to these titles defended, I am particularly pleased to say I’ve seen three Fire Festival finals and three G1 Climax finals, which have been some of the best and more emotional matches I’ve ever seen, and since the passing of my 20th anniversary going to shows, I’ve also seen the NWA World Heavyweight title defended. In a leisure centre in Gloucester – of all places.

THE SEVENTY-FIFTH SHOW
WEDNESDAY 7TH AUGUST 2013 * ICE RIBBON #488 * ICE RIBBON DOJO, WARABI
(1) Neko Nitta & Meari Naito defeated Cherry & Kurumi (13:01) when Nitta used a Cat Space Nyan Revolution on Kurumi.
(2) Tsukushi defeated Risa Sera (06:01) with a Harukaze.
(3) Hikaru Shida wrestled Misaki Ohata (10:00) to a time limit draw.
(4) Hamuko Hoshi & Kasey Owens defeated Tsukasa Fujimoto & Miyako Matsumoto (12:06) when Owens used a cross legged ankle lock on Matsumoto.

Ice Ribbon good. Warabi, shithole.

One of my more interesting journeys brought up my 3/4 century of shows – a lengthy train ride unaccompanied into Saitama, then a ten minute walk down the side of the train tracks as the sun was coming down, in – let’s be fair – an utter dive of a suburb. What is there to see in Warabi? Car park, love hotel, car park, love hotel, car park, motorbike park, love hotel. And the Isami Wrestling Arena, which isn’t even as big as my bungalow. Pay hardly any money to see a little snapshot of what the roster can give you as they build to the next Korakuen show? Yes, please. The roster made you feel really welcome as they did everything from set up the ring, take your money for tickets, sell the merchandise and ring announce. They also shook every fan’s hand after the card and the dork in me felt a little weak in the knees shaking Shida’s hand, I won’t lie. I was a tiny bit disheartened that her match with Misakitty went to a draw, but it was a good match, and that kind of booking is to be expected when one of your aces wrestles a respected outsider. The other thing that fried my brain about this show needs a backstory – on a Joshi Facebook page I used to frequent, I had asked for directions to the dojo from the train station, and a German lad called Oliver replied and told me how to get there. So come show time I’m sat down minding my own, when another Western face comes up to me and says “Excuse me…. are you Steve Rich?” Of course, what had happened was that Oliver was attending the show himself, and seeing one other Western face in a room full of natives, put two and two together. Not understanding what was going on at the first, all I could think was “A complete stranger has recognized me. I’ve FINALLY made it. I’m internationally famous.”

THE WEIRD AND WONDERFUL MATCHES
I have seen some rather odd matches over the years. As well as your regular gimmick matches like cage, tables, gauntlet and best-of-three falls and your normal three, four, five and six-way matches, I’ve also seen the fabulously old-school “Brititsh Rules” round system, and the “losers wear a dress” stip, although I think Tracy Smothers enjoyed it rather too much. I’ve seen “Survival Of The Sickest” matches in 1PW that involved drawing pins and flaming tables, I’ve seen various different types of Rumble, I’ve seen Ayako Hamada wrestle Amazing Red in a believable match (and nearly beat him), and I’ve seen the Masterlock Challenge more than once. But the best wackiness, like in all walks of life, you obviously have to go to Japan. Japan, where in DDT I saw a four way dance between two men, a woman and a lad who thought he was a cat, where you could be eliminated by failing to down a beer at the same time as your opponents, and best of all, a best of three falls match for the Garter title, which is what it sounds – pull your opponents garter off to win a fall. After the match, the loser (Mio Shirai) was doused with Super Soakers by her stablemates. Obviously.

DDT Beer Garden Fight : the roster, “drunk.” Not many are pretending.

20 NOT OUT – THE 87TH SHOW
SATURDAY 1ST MARCH 2014 * PCW ROAD TO GLORY 2014 FINALS * EVOQUE, PRESTON
(1) Joey Hayes won a triangle match over Dave Rayne and Robbie X, making Rayne submit to a crossface.
(2) Chris Masters pinned Chris Hero with a victory roll cutback in the Semi-Finals of the Road To Glory Tournament.
(3) Dave Mastiff pinned Kris Travis after a cannonball in the Semi-Finals of the Road To Glory Tournament.
(4) ROH World Television Champion Tomasso Ciampa pinned Martin Kirby after Project Ciampa.
(5) Mike Bennett & Maria Kanellis beat Mad Man Manson & Danny Hope when Maria pinned Hope.
(6) PCW Tag Team Champions Team Single beat Battle Squad Awesome via combination powerbomb (Rampage) and flying elbow (T-Bone).
(7) Papa Shango pinned Bubblegum after a shoulderbreaker.
(8) Chris Masters beat Dave Mastiff by stoppage with the Masterlock to win the Road To Glory Tournament.
(9) PCW Heavyweight Champion Lionheart pinned AJ Styles with a schoolboy.

Maria Kanellis – a better worker than the Young Bucks. Nothing convoluted or hard to believe about her performances.

Just look at some of those names, and tell me that isn’t one of the most eclectic cards you’ve ever seen. ROH “serious wrestlers” mixing with Delicious Danny Hope, Mad Man Manson and…. Papa Shango. There is too much greatness here overall, although I particularly enjoyed T-Bone and Rampage (dirty Leeds!) squashing Battle Squad Awful like the pair of trampoline-troubling Pleather Clad Lads that I suspected them to be, then seeming to doze off during a dreadful taped promo from (then) ROH tag team champions reDRagon (yawn). Also, the mixed tag was one of the funnest experiences I’ve ever had as a wrestling fan, enhanced a little by me and Darren meeting Maria and Bennett that very morning over a Premier Inn buffet breakfast, And finally, one of the saddest and scariest experiences I ever had as a wrestling fan, as Lionheart tucked on a Styles Clash after escaping title intact and ended up with his neck broken in two places, casting a shadow over a match that had completely exhilirated me due to that most important element for a wrestling match for me – caring about who wins.

Tragic ending aside, the show was a complete triumph in the ring and a fitting bookend for twenty years of going to live wrestling events for your author. On the horizon I already have HXC for their combination card/WrestleMania party, more PCW, the WrestleMania Revenge Tour (Shield come over or I cry), and the aforementioned 4FW World Cup. Here’s to the next twenty years!

 

In Part II – a breakdown of my ten favourite matches I ever saw live, and brief notes of some of the ones hardest to cut.

 

“It’s Not Porn, It’s Art”

Today as I did my usual rounds, I came upon the following article which prompted my attention –
http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/movies-with-unsimulated-sex

Accompanying the post of the article was the following quote – “Just because the sex is real doesn’t mean it’s porn.” Actually, I’d say elements of Caligula actually DO make it porn, but moreover, reading the piece made me muse on the once-controversial, now more frequent usage of real, unsimulated sexual activity in movies intended for mainstream consumption. In a nutshell… I’ll pass, thanks.

The pivotal moment of “The Brown Bunny” – Daisy becomes fascinated with Bud’s belt. You can see what the fuss was about.

This is going to sound strange coming from a self-confessed watcher of actual porn, but I don’t care for the use of real sex in films where the principle purpose of the picture isn’t sexual arousal. I don’t see the point, and I feel very awkward for the actors having to engage in such real intimacy with relative strangers for the sake of “the art.” Well, apart from Chloë Sevigny in The Brown Bunny, who had previously been intimate with Vincent Gallo off-screen anyway,  Basically being asked to shoot porn without it being labeled porn, to my eyes. It strikes me as incredibly lazy storytelling, reverting to the explicit/gratuitous.

I always get tempted when I read about a film containing explicit scenes of real sex, to write it off as a cheap ploy to get people into the cinema. When I read the synopsis of Nymphomaniac I became interested in the story and thought about going to see it, and I have read that Charlotte Gainsbourg turns in a great performance, but I have found out today about the digitally added real sex, and I find it disappointing. Yes, the sex is critical to the story, and I always scoff when people have problems with nudity or sex scenes appearing in a film for adults. However, just as one can easily interpret a fatal gunshot without actually seeing a bullet entering the tissue of a vital organ, or a visual of the heartbeat stopping, a skilled director can easily shoot effective scenes of beautiful lovemaking, wild, unbridled passionate sex or should the need arise, torrid kinky no holds/holes barred fucking, without the viewer having to be force-fed visuals of “it going in” as we used to say as kids.

“I CAN feel three types of softness!” – Kathleen Turner, “Body Heat” (1981)

9 Songs told a decent story, but it could have told the same story without asking the two leads to actually fuck each other, just as other films have with sex as a major factor in the storyline – Last Tango In Paris, Body Heat, Basic Instinct and so on. I don’t expect fans of “the arts” to agree with me, but I simply don’t see what filming real sex (with shots of the interaction with each others’ genitals) achieves that a skilled director and talented actors couldn’t effectively simulate…. other than a few extra column inches (oo-er) in the sensationalist tabloids, and pursuit of extra box office success as a consequence of the attention the sex will get you.

Wait…. with that last point, maybe I’ve nailed it. So to speak.

Jermain Defoe – Farewell, Legend Of The Lane

The word “legend” is overused in sport these days ; anyone that has a couple of good years or wins a single piece of silverware can be described as a “legend” by the casuals in the pub, but as we count down the final days of Jermain Defoe as a Tottenham player, I wanted to write a retrospective in my own words of the career of a TRUE club legend, and a favourite of the fans that populate White Hart Lane on matchday. I wanted to title this blog with the words that we chant at Jermain at White Hart Lane, but in the current climate, you simply never know who you might offend, but I think “Legend of the Lane” will do quite nicely.

Beginnings

“Jermain Defoe… he’s a Y***o…” – JD signs for Spurs

2003-04
Jermain Colin Defoe joined Spurs at the age of 21 in January 2004 having spent half a season in the Championship with relegated West Ham, with the disappointing Bobby Zamora going the other way. The initial £6 million wasn’t quite the bargain it would be these days, but it was nevertheless excellent value for such a prospect. Defoe scored on his debut for Tottenham, just as he had for Bournemouth, for West Ham and for the England Under-21 side, opening the scoring on 13 minutes in what eventually would end up a 4-3 victory at home to Portsmouth. He followed up with goals in the next two games, an unpopular strike at The Valley against Charlton in a 4-2 win and two goals in a topsy-turvy 4-4 at home to Leicester, including the late equalizer. JD also scored Spurs’ last goal of the season in a 2-0 win at Molineux, ending his season with a fine return of seven goals in fifteen games as a Lilywhite, even though the club had endured an indifferent campaign, spending much of the season under caretaker boss David Pleat, with the year being written off as “transitional” almost as soon as it began. Defoe’s career received another boost when he received his first England cap as a substitute in an end-of-season friendly against Sweden, although there was never serious consideration for him to sneak into the Euro 2004 squad ahead of Emile Heskey or Darius Vassell.

2004-05
2005 season started brightly for Defoe with three goals in Spurs’ first four games including their first of the season at home to Liverpool, but Defoe’s form, like Tottenham’s, was not to last. After only one defeat in the first eight games, a run of disastrous results including home defeats to Bolton and Charlton saw new manager Jacques Santini depart after only 12 games at the helm. Defoe scored in the first game under new boss Martin Jol, a 4-5 reverse at home to Arsenal, and a mouth later bagged his first hat-trick for Tottenham in a 5-1 demolition of Southampton.

JD scored in Jol’s first game in charge of Tottenham… as he would in his last game in charge, three years later

A resurgent Spurs under Jol took the fight for the final UEFA Cup place all the way to the final day of the season but ultimately fell short by a single win, and Defoe personally played in 44 of Spurs’ 48 games in all competitions, scoring 22 times, thus achieving exactly the much-touted “good return” ratio for a striker of one in two, despite competition from Robbie Keane, Freddi Kanoute and January loan arrival Mido. Internationally Defoe was handed a shock first start for England by Sven-Göran Eriksson in a vital qualifier in Poland on the 8th of September, eleven days after his third goal in four Premier League games, and he rewarded Sven for his gambit with the first goal in a 2-1 win. When Wayne Rooney returned to fitness Defoe found himself constantly on call as reserve striker for Rooney and Michael Owen, but could not add to that goal in Chorzów, and soon questions were also being asked about other in-form strikers such as Darren Bent and Andrew Johnson.

2005-06
In 05-06 despite starting the season well, a partnership with Gzregorz Rasiak failed to bare fruit (due to the latter never being Premier League quality), once Robbie Keane had come off the bench he never looked like returning to it, and with the Keane-Mido partnership seeming to click, Defoe found his starting chances limited and only managed 9 goals for the season.

JD scores against Portsmouth in Harry Redknapp’s first game back in charge of Pompey

He kept up his run of scoring against old teams with two at home to Charlton (whom he played for between the ages of 14 and 16) in the spring and a goal at Upton Park on the last day of the season that might have been important had Tottenham kept the score at 1-1 (they didn’t) and Wigan managed to do Spurs the ultimate favour at the Emirates (they couldn’t) as the battle for fourth went down to the wire. Perhaps unsurprisingly, JD was left behind as a mere standby for Sven’s World Cup squad, as the Swede relied instead on Peter Crouch, the half-fit Michael Owen, the unfit Wayne Rooney, and the 17 year old Theo Walcott who had yet to play a single minute of Premier League football for Arsenal.

Surplus To Requirements & Eventual Departure
2006-07
2007 season saw the arrival at Spurs of Dimitar Berbatov and a formidable Keane-Berbatov partnership emerged, leaving JD firmly down the pecking order, but he still had ample game time and chances to score 18 goals in a busy season that saw Tottenham reach the quarter-finals of the FA Cup and UEFA Cup (in which Defoe scored his first European goals against Steaua Bucharesti (2) and Sevilla) as well as the semi-finals of the League Cup. In October and not for the last time, JD courted controversy in a home game versus West Ham in which he appeared to bite Javier Mascherano, but he escaped action from the FA. On Boxing Day JD grabbed a brace at the Lane in a 2-1 win against Aston Villa, his second goal being his 50th for Spurs.

Ensuring Villa will not have a Merry Christmas

Defoe once again was the scourge of former teams in the league games he did play, scoring at home to Charlton in a 5-1 win, at Upton Park in a 4-3 win that we thought had condemned Alan Curbishley’s men to relegation, and again on Easter Monday at the Valley to actually put the nail in the coffin of Curbishley’s (and Defoe’s) old team Charlton. In all three games however Defoe was put in the shade by Berbatov who scored spectacular goals himself, and Defoe’s season ended with the frustration of a missed penalty at home to Man City – in a game in which Keane and Berbatov both scored. His international season started brightly as he started the first game for new England boss Steve McLaren – a home friendly against Greece – then netted twice in a 5-0 win against Andorra which saw the first example of the results his partnership with Peter Crouch could yield, the latter also bagging two. Defoe remained a regular player for McLaren but did not score again, having a goal stolen from him in the away game with Andorra as David Nugent booted Defoe’s goalbound shot in for himself literally as it reached the goal line.

2007-08
The summer of 2007 perhaps will have been when Jermain saw the writing on the wall, as despite having him in addition to the regular Keane & Berbatov partnership, director of football Damien Comolli decided to spend £16.5m on Darren Bent. Soon even the substitute appearances seemed to dry up for JD, although he reminded Martin Jol of what he could do with two brilliant goals from off the bench in a 6-1 drubbing of Anorthosis Famagusta in a UEFA Cup qualifying round match, although it wouldn’t have made any difference either way since Jol was shown the door the night of the home game with Getafe in said same competition. Ironically, Defoe would score the final Spurs goal under the watch of the manager that didn’t seem to want him any more, on that same sombre night at the Lane.

The Anorthosis match – I’m not sure his teammates wanted him to go…

In November Defoe suffered the ignominy of missing a penalty at the ground that despises him most, Upton Park, which would have won Spurs the match. With Tottenham showing signs of recovery under Juande Ramos with Keane, Berbatov and Bent all contributing by the turn of the year, it seemed inevitable Defoe would seek a move away. He capped a run of three goals in consecutive festive period games with the equalizer – upon the occasion of a rare start – in a 2-1 defeat on New Year’s Day at Villa Park which turned out to be his final goal of the first half of his Spurs career, in a game I happened to attend. The next league game at home to Sunderland, Jermain not only started but was given the captain’s armband, in hindsight a nice farewell gesture. Typical of this period of frustration for Defoe, he did not score on his final appearance at White Hart Lane before being substituted, and his replacement Robbie Keane did. Defoe played his last game for Spurs as a late sub in an FA Cup tie at Old Trafford before being sold to Portsmouth to reunite with old West Ham gaffer Harry Redknapp, where Defoe – as usual – scored on his debut, before suffering the double disappointment of having to watch Spurs win a League Cup final that he had helped them reach, then sit and watch Portsmouth lift the FA Cup after a final he could not play in due to being cup-tied. His half season at Spurs involved 31 games of which 23 were from the bench, and 8 goals, and he added a further 8 in a mere 12 games for in-form Portsmouth, earning an England recall under Fabio Capello and capping his season’s recovery with two goals for his country against Trinidad & Tobago in an end-of-season friendly.

Return to White Hart Lane ; The Main Man Again
2008-09
JD had a promising start to 08-09 both internationally (with two goals for England in a World Cup qualifying thrashing of Kazakhstan) and domestically with regular goals for Portsmouth including a penalty against a struggling Spurs at Fratton Park which he took before deafening chants of “You’re Spurs, and you know you are” from the traveling army. In January he decided he wanted to leave the south coast and  took the opportunity to reunite (again) with Harry Redknapp and come home to Spurs, who having sold both Keane and Berbatov in the summer were in dire need of regular goals. The deal mostly involved writing off money Pompey still owed Tottenham for himself, Younes Kaboul (who would also return to Spurs) and remarkably, Pedro Mendes, as well as waiving a sell-on fee. Defoe’s return debut for Spurs came, incredibly, at White Hart Lane against the club both he and his manager had left for Tottenham, Portsmouth. Defoe scored on his debut, as is his wont, in a 1-1 draw, robbed of the perfect return by David Nugent, of all men.

Scoring on his re-debut – don’t blame yourself, Sol

After 3 goals in 4 games Defoe suffered a toe injury that both ruled him out of Spurs’ second consecutive League Cup final and prompted the panic re-purchase of his old strike partner/rival, Robbie Keane. With 4 goals in 10 Spurs games, Jermain capped another eventful season with two more goals for England in a 6-0 rout of Andorra at Wembley.

2009-10
The year that followed proved to be both Defoe’s finest season for Tottenham, and Spurs’ best year with him on the books, mostly due to Defoe being reunited with Peter Crouch in a partnership that averaged a goal a game in their time together for Portsmouth and Spurs combined. Unhindered by distraction by the inferior UEFA Cup for the first season in four, Tottenham started the league campaign in robust form and never looked back, with Defoe scoring an exquisite hat trick in a 5-1 win at Hull just seven days after netting twice for his country away to Holland. In October Defoe scored against an old club again, as is his wont, with what turned out to be the winning goal away to Portsmouth, but was then sent off for an apparent stamp on Aaron Mokoena, causing him a suspension that meant he missed the North London derby, which Tottenham lost 3-0. JD’s next goals for Spurs were his most historic, as in the home game with Wigan he first scored the second fastest hat trick in Premier League history ( on 51, 54, and 58 minutes) before adding two more (69 and 87) to follow Alan Shearer and Andy Cole into the record books as a scorer of five goals in a game in the Premier League (since also achieved by Dimitar Berbatov for Man United). As I’m sure you may remember, Tottenham won the game 9-1.

Kirkland despairs… he was lucky it was only nine

In February Defoe grabbed his third hat trick of the season at Elland Road in the FA Cup and went on to finish with 18 league goals, 24 in all competitions, and with Tottenham finishing in the Champions League place they had been hovering in and around all season, the only negative being a disappointing FA Cup semi-final defeat to Defoe’s old team, Portsmouth. JD capped his greatest year in football by scoring a goal for England in the World Cup in a 1-0 win against Slovenia, a personal triumph in an otherwise bitterly disappointing English campaign.

2010-11
The 10-11 season was very trying for Defoe who missed three months with an ankle injury sustained in England’s Euro 2012 qualifier with Bulgaria – a game in which he scored a hat trick. He marked his return by setting up the first goal in a dramatic 3-2 comeback win in the North London derby at the Emirates, and seventeen days later scored his only goals in the Champions League proper with two in a 3-3 draw away to FC Twente.

Jermain celebrates at FC Twente

Injuries blighted Jermain again, and it was March before he grabbed his first Premier League goals with two in another 3-3 draw, this time at Molineux. His next goal, at home to West Brom, was his 100th in the Premier League. Injury caused Jermain to miss the historic games with the two Milan giants, but he did feature in both legs of the Real Madrid tie, albeit as a sub. First team chances were restricted as Harry Redknapp favoured one striker from JD, Crouch or Roman Pavlyuchenko in front of new signing Rafael van der Vaart and the one was usually Crouch, which suited the Dutchman – he ended up Spurs’ top scorer that season – but the team as a whole struggled to score enough goals and finished 5th, Defoe himself managing 9 goals from 30 appearances, mostly from the bench. His copybook was also blotted with another red card, this time at Villa Park on Boxing Day, in a game Spurs won 2-1 thanks to two goals from van der Vaart.

Always The Bridesmaid
2011-12
The exit of Peter Crouch and arrival of Emmanuel Adebayor at White Hart Lane for 11-12 season provided another challenge for Defoe as again Redknapp usually favoured a single striker in front of Aaron Lennon, van der Vaart and Gareth Bale, anchored by the ever-present Luka Modric and Scott Parker.

Congratulating Ade ; rarely on the pitch together but both scored in this 4-0 romp over Liverpool

Spurs spent much of the winter and spring in 3rd place but a reliance on the same men in key positions caused fatigue and the team collapsed between March and May and finished 4th, denied Champions League football by virtue of Chelsea winning the competition and finishing 6th in the league. In and out of the side again, Defoe netted 17 times in 38 games, around the “one in two” mark yet again and only one shy of Adebayor’s total with the latter finishing Tottenham’s top scorer. A testing season professionally ended in personal heartbreak with Defoe’s father dying while he was on England duty just prior to Euro 2012, a tournament in which he made Roy Hodgson’s squad, but did not feature.

2012-13
In the wake of failure to return to the Champions League, Tottenham entered their customary period of transition, with Redknapp sacked and the sales of Modric and van der Vaart. JD initially found himself the primary striker for new manager Andre Villas-Boas in a modern 4-2-3-1 and he started the season well, including braces away to Reading, at home to West Ham and away to Fulham. On Boxing Day he marked his 400th career football league appearance by scoring the opening goal in a 4-0 win for Spurs in their customary festive trip to Villa Park in a game I was privileged to attend. Injuries and the side’s poor form blighted the second half of Defoe’s season as Spurs entered their now familiar post-New Year lull, but he still contributed by turning Vincent Kompany inside out to smash home the second goal in an impressive 3-1 win at home to league champions Man City to effectively end their hopes of retaining the title.

“Turn him and shoot!” I yelled.. and he did

Despite achieving their highest-ever Premier League points total, Spurs came 5th and missed out on the Champions League again. In and out of the team again post-injury, JD managed 43 appearances in another busy season on multiple fronts for Tottenham, but only managed 15 goals, 11 of which came in the league. He started and finished the season well for England, scoring goals in qualifiers in September and March – but they were against Moldova and San Marino. In the big games, JD failed to register, or was dropped for Danny Welbeck.

Oh, Canada….
2013-14
After Gareth Bale’s departure and the insane spending of last summer at White Hart Lane, Jermain yet again found himself second choice, this time to Roberto Soldado. Despite the latter failing to find the net from open play in the league, JD found his chances restricted to substitute appearances but maintained dynamite form in the Europa League, in which which he scored his 23rd European goal for Tottenham against Sheriff Tiraspol, passing Martin Chivers’ record and sealing his place as a club legend.

Record-breaker – European goal number 23 for Tottenham’s Number 18

An action-packed all-round display in the League Cup at Villa Park (in a game I was lucky enough to see in person), capped with a milestone two goals with made him Tottenham’s fifth leading goalscorer of all time, forced AVB to consider giving Jermain a start in the league. Unfortunately this start came in the home game with West Ham, where the worst Spurs performance I’ve seen in twenty years resulted in Defoe receiving very few touches of the ball, and the team losing 3-0. Subsequent starts away to Fulham and Sunderland at least yielded Tottenham wins, but Defoe did not score, and he was back on the bench in the next game at home to Liverpool – a 5-0 hiding which cost Villas-Boas his job. JD started up front with the forgotten man Emmanuel Adebayor in the West Ham League Cup game, and set up the Togolese for his goal, but by the time Tim Sherwood was given the manager’s position permanently, JD had already made up his mind to move on and given a verbal agreement to FC Toronto. Roy Hodgson says the move will not affect his chances of making the World Cup squad ; of that, I have serious doubts.

Less than 24 hours after the announcement, I was on my way into White Hart Lane for the Crystal Palace match. With on sale dates being what they are, I knew that if Defoe got on the pitch, this was going to be my last chance to see him play for Spurs. The Park Lane lower chanted his name well before his introduction on 58 minutes, and I felt like crying when he did come on. As fate would have it, he grabbed his first, and to date only goal of the Premier League campaign on 72 minutes to finish the game at 2-0, and I leaped for joy with tears in my eyes. On my way out of the ground I felt compelled to buy the scarf from which the image atop this article comes.

The joy is tangible as Defoe celebrates against Palace

Yesterday JD was given the courtesy of the last five minutes against Everton and a lap of the Lane on the shoulders of Adebayor and Jan Vertonghen, but I’ll always feel I attended his real farewell – his final goal at White Hart Lane. That’s how he’d want the Spurs fans to remember him, rippling the net after some neat feet. Spurs have trips to Newcastle, Dnipro and Norwich before Jermain leaves, but he’s seen the last of his days at White Hart Lane after spending the best part of a decade with us, growing from a boy of 21 to a man of 31, sitting on 79 from 186 in his second spell with us, 143 from 363 over all, and with ten goals in all competitions, currently the club’s joint (with Soldado) top scorer for 13-14. At 0-0 yesterday even up to the point that Adebayor scored, the crowds were chanting for Jermain Defoe. He was always good for a goal, and as Palace discovered, he still is.

Thus the Spurs story is coming to an end for a man whom only Cliff Jones, Martin Chivers, Bobby Smith and the one and only Jimmy Greaves have scored more than for Tottenham, a man whose best friend in football is Ledley King, a man who once said his favourite journey was driving to White Hart Lane on matchday, and the club’s leading European goalscorer of all time. The Premier League’s record scoring substitute of all time probably sums JD up. The crowd favourite, even if in the eyes of the managers, he was nearly always the bridesmaid. The nearly man. Like the scarf says ; Jermain Defoe – England Lion, and Legend of the Lane.

Thanks for everything, JD

Jermain Defoe….. “You’re Spurs… and you know you are…..“

The 1992 Royal Rumble…. definitely NOT fair to Flair.

Because it’s that time of year… I revisit my last review of THE 1992 ROYAL RUMBLE. You’ll probably only get a kick out of it if you’re already familiar with the time period. The best Royal Rumble of all time, and for my money one of the best matches of all time.

Be warned, the following review may not be fair to Flair.

I’m not even going to bother telling you what happened on the undercard, a) the Rumble is far too important to mess around with Beverly Brothers/Jameson shenanigans and b) if you haven’t watched this PPV before, I don’t like you enough to cater to your ignorance. Let’s just say the undercard is three quarters great and one quarter Bushwhackers and leave it at that.

The setup for the Rumble is the greatest ever. The 30 top guns (almost) in the WWF will compete for the WWF title. After a controversial title match between Hulk Hogan and The Undertaker at Survivor Series then an equally controversial rematch at Tuesday In Texas, President Tunney vacated the title. Some people might simply have ordered a rubber match between the pair, possibly in a cage, but where’s the fun in that? The first (obviously not last) Rumble to have a prize other than bragging rights, and the greatest roster of all time would compete for it. Other than kayfabe-ill Bret Hart and LOD who defended their gold earlier on (rats), all the heavy hitters are in. Obvious favourites are Hogan, Undertaker and the Real Worlds Champion, Ric Flair, as well as former champions Randy Savage and Sgt Slaughter, monster babyface Sid Justice and the devil incarnate, Jake the Snake, whose blistering rivalry with Savage is the hottest thing in the company.

By this point in the show Coliseum Video have already dropped a bollock by letting Flair tell us all he’s drawn number 3, probably doesn’t make much difference but always seemed weird, like Perfect ruining it that he was number 30 in 1990. The Brain is already working the drama going “oh my goodness, oh my God…. this is the big one. This is it” while Fink reads the rules. It only dawns on me now how annoying I find it these days that they feel like they have to clarify “the Royal Rumble match” rather than just “the Royal Rumble.” We’re just that stupid. Fink introduces “the esteemed president” of the WWF (his words), “on the take Tunney” (Brain’s words) to a chorus of boos. I find “Thank you Mr President” quite amusing from The Fink, I don’t know why.

Davey Boy is number one, billed as from Leeds where as far as I know, he never lived. G&B make references to Smithers’ big win at the Albert Hall in a similar match, God I love when they make something that happened over here seem a big deal. Ted DiBiase is number 2 and Sherri’s cleavage nearly makes me abandon the review and have a wank instead.

Brain concurs and says “look at them.” Ted has rotten luck again, what with drawing number 1 in 1990. They make reference to The Model holding the record, which we’ll come back to. It’s fun to see Bulldog in there with a name talent as opposed to a monster type or Skinner/Repo JTTS but it doesn’t last long as Smithers despatches Sherri’s “Teddy bear” shortly before the first countdown. As the Million Dollar Man walks back up the aisle, he crosses paths with number 3, who just happens to be Ric Flair.

Brain : “NO!!!! DAMN IT!!!”
Monsoon : “You can kiss it goodbye Brain! Never in the history of the Royal Rumble has anyone that has drawn numbers 1 through 5 and been there at the end! Watch your language.”

Coming out of Vince, that probably would have telegraphed the outcome. Then again, Vince would have gone ALL THE WAY and proclaimed “there is ZERO CHANCE Ric Flair will win this match! Hulkamaniacs, rejoice!” or some shit. Golden moment when in a recurring theme, Flair takes a pounding off Davey, press slammed and clotheslined before Nasty Boy Sags turns up as number 4.

Brain : “Let Sags do all the work!”
Monsoon : “Be objective here!”
Brain : “I told you to shut up!”

Davey takes no time alleviating himself of some of the stress by getting shot of Sags, and its back to him and Naitch. Brain : “THIS IS NOT FAIR TO FLAIR!” Haku is number 5 and he goes straight for Davey before turning his attention to Flair. Brain : “THIS ISN’T FAIR TO FLAIR!!!” Haku hits a savage piledriver to Bulldog then gets attacked by Flair. Brain : “Take it easy, Ric!” He starts wondering aloud why Perfect isn’t there to help Flair. “Come on Davey Boy! Get Haku!” Davey ducks under and sends Haku out as the countdown begins again. Brain : “It’s back to Bulldog and Flair! THIS ISN’T FAIR TO FLAIR, I keep telling you!”

The buzzer brings out the UTTERLY DESPISED Shawn Michaels, who wastes no time tackling his idol and hitting not-Sweet Chin Music-yet. Davey nearly gets Shawn out but he, as ever survives and superkicks Smithers too. Brain : “The roof’s starting to spin, I’m getting dizzy! Get me some water, get me something to drink!” Next up is El Matador. Brain makes me laugh by suggesting he has “as good a chance as anybody.” He goes straight for Flair until Michaels cuts him off. Brain : “Shawn Michaels is making guacomole out of El Matador.” LULZ. The heel/face dynamic takes hold, Flair fells Davey with a seldom-seen (then at least) uppercut to the gonads but then gets wiped out by the “Flying Jalopena” (sic). The buzzer brings out Barbar.

Monsoon : “Barbarian doesn’t like Flair…..”
Brain : “Barbarian doesn’t like anybody! When I managed him he barely like me!”

Flair tries unsuccessfully to blindside Tito as he tussles with Shawn, to no avail. Brain points out how many times Shawn has been out but managed to get back in. Texas Tornado is up next, and Flair is first to test his mettle. Of course, he gets a pounding then does a Flair Flop. Davey pounds Shawn with a standing clothesline and Shawn bumps like mad. Those two always had great chemistry. Flair ends up flat on his back getting more abuse from Tito. Repo Man is number 10 and I can’t believe a third of the field has been in already. The ring has three former Intercontinental Champions (remember, this is 1992 and that MATTERS), Flair and Von Erich of course being former NWA World Champions (1992, remember, THAT MATTERS TOO) and Shawn Michaels, destined for greatness.

Repo achieves nothing of note, and next is The Hammer, and the crowd goes mild. He goes straight for Flair and chops the fuck out of him. Brain alludes to there being four former WWF Champions still to come, and that feels like a big deal. Brain is verbally worried about Flair’s chances ; “We never expected he’d be jobbed like this.” Monsoon reminds Heenan of the statistical likelihood of him lasting to which Brain replies “Will you SHUT UP?? Shut up!!!!” The buzzer sounds again and out comes smiley, hand-slapping Nikolai Volkoff, to audible boos. That’s pretty funny. The ring is heaving, no one has been thrown for a while. Just as I say that, Repo dumps the Lithuanian as Valentine slaps the Figure Four on Flair which gets a minor pop.

Davey and Tito double up on Shawn, but he’s going nowhere. Next out the chute is THE BIG BOSS MAN, who wins the Rumble. The end. (Forum joke. Although, I think 2014 might be his year.)

As Boss Man hits Tornado then Barbar, Repo continues his admirable run of dumping failed babyfaces by tossing Valentine, but he runs foul of Boss Man who makes him serve hard time. By which I mean, tosses him out.

Brain : “I’m a nervous wreck! GET OUT OF THAT CORNER! I’ve got to go to ringside Monsoon!”
Monsoon : “You’re not going anywhere, you stay right here. Do your job.”

Monsoon points out Flair has been in for 20 minutes, and can’t even complete his thought as to how long Bulldog has been in as Flair dips a shoulder to eliminate Davey to a rather loud sad groan from the crowd. Tornado wonders in too close and Flair gives him the same treatment. That was pretty dumb, although Kerry did much dumber things just a few weeks later. Tito and Michaels manage to spill over the ropes together as the countdown starts again, and Hercules is next up. There is a temporary alliance between Flair and Barbar which Flair breaks, earning him ANOTHER press slam. Brain : “Take a hike! Take a hike!” Barbar tries to dump Flair but gets tossed from behind (oo-er) by Herc, who turns around into a Boss Man clothesline, leaving Flair alone with big bad Ray. Flair ducks a crossbody and Boss Man takes a nasty spill to the outside, clotheslining himself on the bottom rope. Flair is alone.

The buzzer goes off, and fuck the foreplay, here comes Piper! Brain : “Piper… could become…. World… Wrestling…. THIS IS NOT FAIR TO FLAIR!!!” Piper beats the shit out of Flair including a bulldog, a knee lift so hard he leaves his feet as though it were a dropkick, and then a backdrop. Brain : “Flair must have taken twenty-five backdrops today!” They fight outside and then back inside. This is the stuff Silvervision montages are made of.

Flair takes ten punches in the corner and an airplane spin, then ends up in the clutches of the sleeper. Up next the loudest boos for ages as Jake the Snake slithers in, and sits in the corner watching until Piper turns his back and attacks him. Brain : “Thank you Jake, THANK YOU!” Jake gives Flair a hand up, then short clotheslines him. Brain : “Why, you NO GOOD! It’s DEFINITELY NOT FAIR TO FLAIR!!” Jake forgets himself and works the crowd for the DDT attempt, broken up by Piper. Brain : “I never thought I’d say this but thank you Roddy. It’s a kilt. It’s not a skirt, it’s a KILT.” Flair puts Jake in the Figure Four but Piper breaks it up. Brain : “Why you no good creep! You skirt-wearing freak! It’s not a kilt, it’s a skirt!” Fuck me, this is brilliant.

Duggan breaks up the best two minutes of the match so far and goes straight to Flair. The crowd is batshit mental chanting “USA!” I’ll give it to Duggan, he was always over like Rover even if I thought he was shite. Brain is still complaining about the draw : “We were jobbed, Monsoon.” He then launches into one of the best soliloquys I’ve ever heard in a wrestling context, and if you weren’t a believer in Flair, he’s going to make you one :

“He’s the Real Worlds Champion as far as I’m concerned, no matter what happens here, you’ve got to admit that. Look at him, he’s still on his feet. He’s still going. He’s been slammed, he’s been press-slammed, he’s been backdropped, he’s been put to sleep, and he’s still fighting. Why? ‘Cause he wants it. He’s a champion. He’s what a champion is made of. There he is, man, a champion to the end.”

Duggan works over Flair in the corner. Brain : “Aww, this is not fair. THIS IS NOT FAIR TO FLAIR.” IRS is out next. Piper and Jake appear to either be strangling each other on the floor or else having a cuddle, and IRS goes straight for Flair. Flair escapes and tries to help Jake try and eliminate Piper. Duggan breaks it up with a textbook double noggin-knocker. Monsoon astutely points out that Jake gets paranoid with every buzzer, waiting for Macho Man. Apparently it’s 36 minutes for Flair. Snuka comes out next, and he’s still pretty over despite a couple of years of looking at the lights. Jake and IRS double team Piper, Snuka goes for Flair, Duggan takes a moment out in the corner to pose and shout “HOOOOO!!!!” Monsoon points out we still have four former World Champions and Sid left to come in, and that we’ve reached the point that Hogan and Undertaker received preferential treatment – as the two blokes involved in the controversial title switch, they were only able to draw from 20 upwards.

Undertaker comes out at 20 (raw deal there for the Dead Man) and gets some cheers, oddly. Taker throws Superfly out then gets blindsided by Flair. It doesn’t go well for Slick Ric. Brain : “What is WRONG WITH YOU, RIC?? It’s over, it’s over… everything down the toilet.” It’s weirdly refreshing to see Brain give up at this point rather than his usual insistence that everything will work out fine. Monsoon : “Flair has been in there for 42 minutes.” Brain : “Oh God….” Next buzzer brings out Savage but by the time he gets to the ring Jake has hidden under the ring. Taker intercepts Macho Man and beats him up until Jake comes back in. Savage rallies with an ax handle then knees Roberts in the back sending him out. Randy forgets what’s going on and leaps over the top rope to continue the onslaught.

Undertaker follows (between the ropes) and sends Randy back in, and they let it slide. Monsoon kayfabes that it’s the rules someone else has to throw you out, despite Andre being allowed to eliminate himself three years earlier. Well, when you’re in a corner I guess. Brain gives Piper credit for his showing given that he had wrestled already for the Intercontinental title earlier. Brain : “He just tried to pick up the Undertaker!” Novel excuse for a low blow, Bobby. One of my favourites, Berzerker, is next. Flair goes over to lay a beatdown on the already thoroughly knackered Savage. Christ, Randy always took a shitkicking. Brain : “Have you lost your mind? Are you nuts? Take it easy! Weasel your way out! I never thought I’d say this, but weasel your way out if you have to!”

Undertaker chokes the hell out of Piper as Monsoon points out Flair has passed the Valentine mark and he’s up to 46 minutes. Virgil comes out next and there is a smattering of boos. Hell, it’s New York, they know a loser when they see one. Brain : “Virgil entered at what, 23? I mean, who knows how many bags he’s been through in the back?” Monsoon : “Would you stop?” Virg starts taking a beating from Berzerker and Brain nearly has a heart attack when Undertaker goes back to choking Flair. Brain : “You’re going to have to kill him to get him out of this ring.” I’m starting to believe that upon my first viewing. “How long’s he been in there now???” Gorilla answers 47 and that he’s five minutes away from the record, if that matters. Col Mustafa is next and Gorilla quips “by the time he gets to the ring it’ll be time for another one.” Good old Sheik. Monsoon accidentally calls Flair “Martel” twice. Oops. Piper gives Flair punches in the corner as Undertaker watches, bemused. Savage, Piper, Flair and Undertaker all in the ring, this is fucking brilliant. The Model is up next and Monsoon is so impressed with Martel’s luck he busts out a “holy macro.” He also insinuates that if Martel lasts half as long as last year, he’ll win. Yeah, that’s exactly how it works. After a brief dalliance with Virgil, Martel gets attacked by the man in pursuit of his record, Flair. Monsoon mentions Martel’s record and that of Bushwhacker Luke for the shortest. Brain : “Who cares about Bushwhacker Luke??? How long’s Flair been in there now Monsoon??” I’m not sure why they had forgotten Warlord in ’89 but hey ho. At this point it feels like Savage has been abused for about ten minutes as Undertaker has him elevated, choking him overhead.

Buzzer goes…. SHIT’S ON!!!!! HERE COMES THE HULK!!!!!

Hogan goes straight for Taker and Flair at the same time, because that’s how he rolls. Brain goes insane and starts begging and pleading to nobody in particular. Maybe God :

“Please let him win it, please. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, everything I’ve said. Please let him win it. I’ll never say anything bad again about anybody. Just let Flair win it. Just let Flair win it. I’ll be a different person, I promise ya.”

Hulkster clotheslines out Undertaker and backdrops out Berzerker within seconds which makes him look the complete boss that he always was and always will be. Duggan throws Virgil over but manages to stumble over himself like the uncoordinated goon he was. Skinner up next, and fuck me he looks out of place with the names in there right now. Hogan elevates Flair and Heenan is absolutely haberplectic. Brain : “I’ll behave, I’ll never do anything wrong again, JUST LET HIM STAY!” Monsoon is forced to admit “I said earlier on Brain no one picks numbers one through five and is still there at the end…. but we’re rapidly approaching the end, and Flair is still there!” Brain : “You know it’s not fair to Flair, but he’s still in there!”

Slaughter is up next and again there are boos. I don’t know whether this is just a marginally pro-heel crowd or whether some deeds just can’t be forgiven. Remarkable to think how over Sarge was as a face in the early 80s, I never found him likeable. Sarge goes right for Flair as Martel scores a victory for wrestling over brawling by dumping Skinner. GOOD. As a markish child, I hated his brand of cheating the most, especially when wrestling Bret. As Hogan and Piper have a little spat, Monsoon tells us Flair has secured the record. Brain : “Just give him the title, that’s good enough for me.”Sid comes out next to a good pop and he goes straight for Irwin who is sweatier than Typhoon’s gusset. Monsoon admits to Brain that Flair has proven himself a champion, then starts rambling about lactic acid, or something. It drags slightly here as a lot of the guys with stamina have been in a while and expended lots of energy. Piper, Irwin and Savage all look like death. Nearly time for number 30 already!

Monsoon : “It will be no surprise, it is the Warlord.”
Brain : “But you never know, you never know what Tunney and the WWF are going to pull on you.”
Monsoon : “It can only be one guy!”
Brain : “See, the Warlord! I told you!”

Nobody is really looking at Warlord, who goes right for Piper, as Flair and Hogan have gone to the floor and Hogan suplexes Slick Ric on the floor.

Justice turnbuckles Slaughter who does his trademark bump over and out, Christ knows how/why he kept doing that. Monsoon : “It’s been over an hour for Flair.” Brain : “That’s definitely not fair to Flair, to be there that long. No human being should have to go through this.” Piper eliminates IRS by the tie, which looks daft but gets a great pop. Hogan and Sid eliminate Warlord together and Monsoon does a rubbish job of acting shocked. Home straight now.

Sid pushes out Martel & Piper together to add to Slaughter on his tally. Sid scoops up Savage then Flair knees Sid in the back, the momentum sends Savage out. Bit of a low key exit for Randy, he’s mostly been battered throughout. Flair goes over and chops Hogan, who no sells it. Hulkster chops Flair, turnbuckles him hard, then tries to toss him. Justice creeps up and throws the Hulk over. The crowd pop louder than they should for this – yes, a large number of fans prefer Sid to Hogan, it seems. Hogan seems to stare at Sid for an eternity, shouting “you stole my belt!” Sid (rightly) replies “It’s every man for himself, big boy!” Wow, that came across a bit fairy. Sid stupidly incongruously lets his arm get too near and Hulk grabs it, trying to yank Sid out. Sid doesn’t really fight but holds his ground, until Flair takes his base out and tips him over, but make no mistake the bulk of the work getting Sid out once he’s in the air is done by Hogan. Justice hits the floor, and Flair is the winner.

The crowd go potty, and the Brain spooges all over the floor, Monsoon and himself.

” YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!!
YES!!!!! YES! YES! YES! YES YES YES YES YES!
He did it! I told you Monsoon! I told you Monsoon! I told you! I told you!
YEEEEE-ES!!! YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!
YES, I told you! I told you!
He did it! He did it! I knew he’d do it! All you humanoids know…. I’m going to meet him.”

In my mind, I always hear Flair’s real music here, not his rubbish WWF NES game version. Flair scarpers pretty sharpish when Hogan gets back in the ring, ever the sore loser, and Flair retreats up the aisle with Perfect and the Brain, in glorious victory.

Back in the ring, Hogan has forgotten Sid.

The two RUNNERS UP get right in each others’ mugs and a swarm of refs and agents have to keep the muscle headed blond boys apart. Terry Garvin, Pat Patterson, Rene Goulet and Tony Garea are namechecked by Monsoon, both Hebners, Joey Marella and the ref whose name I never knew are not. Patterson is sporting trainers and a suit which is a hideous look for anyone, not just him. I expect to spot Shane, but don’t.

Yes, everyone is looking at the two in the ring, but Monsoon remembers what the REAL story is :

“Everyone in the world now knows what Ric Flair can do, what kind of man he is!”

Hogan sulks off, probably a bit pissed off the crowd isn’t unanimously backing him against Justice, as Sid hollers “I’ll kill ya!” O….K. Watching this back, it’s truly hard to believe that Hogan/Sid for ‘Mania VIII wasn’t the plan all along, so well set up it was. We’re backstage with Gene Okerlund and the whole gang, and fittingly one of the greatest matches of all time is bookended by one of the greatest promos of all time.

Okerlund : “Alright, by virtue of winning the Royal Rumble, we have a brand new World Wrestling Federation champion. As the press look on, at this time to present the title belt to the new champion, our president, the distinguished Jack Tunney.”
Tunney : “Congratulations, Ric Flair, on becoming the undisputed champion of the World Wrestling Federation.”
Flair : “Let me just say, after carrying the belt that proclaimed me the real world champion, I’m gonna tell you all, with a tear IN MY EYE, this is the greatest moment in my life. When you walk around in this life and you tell everybody you’re number one, the only way you get to stay number one, is to be number one. And this is the ONLY title in the wrestling world that makes you number one. When you are the king of the WWF, you rule the world, think about it like that, Mr Perfect, The Brain, Whoooo!”
Brain : “Let’s give a big one, Whooooooooooo! You did it. I was never so impressed with anything I saw in all my life, he went out there for over 60 minutes, never took a back step. Took it to Hogan, took it to the Undertaker, took it to whoever got in that ring, that’s why he is, and you can call him now, the real World Heavyweight Champion.”
Perfect : “Hey Bobby, We’re not the kind of guys to say we told you so, but we.. told you so.”
Okerlund : “Okay, very good. Ric Flair, you have made World… Put that cigarette out. You have made World Wrestling Federation history here tonight.”
Flair : “This is the greatest moment in my life. I wanna jump, I wanna party, but I gotta tell you like this, for the Hulk Hogans and the Macho Mans, and the Pipers and the Sids, now it’s Ric Flair and you all pay homage to the man, Whoooo! I love it. I love it. I love it!”

What a guy. What a match, what a promo. Made the belt seem such a big deal, made the new champion seem like such a big deal. Flair was on fire there and clearly meant every word. I’ll even forgive him saying “Macho Mans” instead of “Macho Men”, heh. Say whatever you want about Flair’s WWF run, if ever they showcased a talent to the best of their abilities, this was it. They made him look like an iron man. To be the Man, you’ve got to beat the Man, and here, Ric Flair was THE MAN. I think I’d rather watch this match then actually any of Flair’s heralded matches with Steamboat or Dusty or any of them. THIS is the match that made Flair in my eyes, he got in the ring with an entire roster and kept up with them for 60 minutes, and in any other Rumble his confrontations with Davey Boy, Boss Man, Piper or Hogan would stand out. One of the best performances of his career and by a country mile the best performance of Bobby Heenan’s career which added to this hour of perfect wrestling entertainment.

I really can’t be bothered comparing this to the other Rumbles, I think I’ve made it perfectly clear it’s in a class of it’s own and should be compared to all the other “best matches of all time.” I’ve laid here watching it from start to finish typing in the process. I can’t tell you how many times I had to rewind the tape to enable me to capture the exact words of some of the lines of commentary, but it was an absolute labour of love.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been an ABSOLUTE PLEASURE.

Lothar Matthäus – The other side of that night at the Camp Nou

I’d like to share the story of the other side of one of the famous and dramatic glorious victories in the history of football, that being one man’s heartbreak. That famous triumph was the 1999 Champions League Final. The story is not of Manchester United’s famous comeback win on what would have been Sir Matt Busby’s 90th birthday ; is is the story of Lothar Matthäus.

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THE BACKGROUND

Lothar Matthäus was one of the greatest midfield generals of his generation, arguably of all time. Diego Maradona said in his book “he is the best rival I’ve ever had. I guess that’s enough to define him.” As the 1999 Champions League final was approaching, he had won almost every honour worth winning with only the European Cup eluding him – domestic league triumphs in both Germany with Bayern and in Italy with Internazionale, the German cup/DFB-Pokal and UEFA Cup with Bayern, and in international football winners medals in the 1980 European Championship and the 1990 World Cup at the third attempt following two consecutive final defeats for West Germany to Italy in 1982 and Argentina in 1986.

Former captain of the national side, with a record five appearances in World Cups and standing alone with 25 appearances in matches at World Cups. At 38 he was still playing for Germany and still revered, winning the Fußballer des Jahres in 1999 (even though the wheels did eventually come off in Euro 2000) ; he was a legend in German football.

More importantly, he was a Bayern legend. Closing in on 300 appearances for the club over the course of two spells with the club spanning a total of twelve years, Matthäus may have known this would be his last chance to finally “complete the set” and win the European Cup, having come so close once before. In 1987, Bayern lead for most of the game against Porto, only to concede two late goals and lose 2-1. In the Camp Nou on the 26th of May 1999, it was now or never for Matthäus. Like their opponents, Bayern were chasing a historic treble, but while Man United were two down, one to go, this would have been the second step for Bayern with their domestic cup final on the horizon.

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THE MATCH

In the 80th minute, with Bayern winning 1-0 after a 6th minute Mario Basler goal, in a game they had dominated and had forged chances to extend their lead, Matthäus was substituted for Thorsten Fink. The Bayern players and fans all knew they were going to win this match, and most of the neutrals would have done too. Matthäus was surely about to complete the set.

In the 90th minute with Bayern fans already setting off flares in celebration and Matthäus a powerless onlooker, Man United won a corner which surely represented their best chance to equalize and force extra time, in the first minute of a scheduled three minutes injury time. Clive Tyldsley on ITV commentary wondered aloud, “Can Manchester United score? They ALWAYS score.” Matthäus’ replacement Fink cleared weakly, and a mishit shot from Ryan Giggs was bundled into the net by another substitute, Teddy Sheringham. The goal was timed at 90:36.

Tyldsley mockingly said “Name ON the trophy!” and while they weren’t actually engraving it, Bayern’s ribbons had already been attached to the famous cup. Not thirty seconds after the resultant kick off, United won another corner. Sheringham nodded down for yet another sub, Ole Gunnar Solskjær, to poke into the net. “…..And Solskjær has WON IT!” exclaimed Tyldsley, and he was right. The goal was recorded at 92:17. Tyldsley callously remarked, as the producer cut to a look of shock of despair on Matthäus’ face, “WHAT must Lothar Matthäus be thinking? Well, with the greatest respect, who cares?” The Bayern players could barely be bothered to kick off again, Man United were European Champions again, and Matthäus had been robbed of a final moment of glory.

Matthäus solemnly stepped up to collect his runners-up medal, surely the hollowest of accolades at this level. As he stepped off the podium, he obviously tried not to look at the trophy. He failed. As soon as the dignitaries were out of sight, he couldn’t get his medal off quick enough. It meant nothing to him.

Finally, this photo says more than words ever could. The faces on Oliver Kahn and unused sub Thomas Strunz tell their own stories, but don’t look at them. Look at Matthäus.

THE AFTERMATH

A week and a half later, demoralized by this defeat, Bayern lost the DFB-Pokal final to Werder Bremen on penalties. They would eventually win the European Cup for the fourth time in 2001 and even complete their first treble in 2013.

Matthäus entered the twilight of his career, winning his last caps for the national team in the disastrous Euro 2000 campaign. He would end up receiving his seventh and final Bundesliga winners medal for the 99-2000 season despite leaving in March 2000 for New York/New Jersey MetroStars (now NY Red Bulls) where he retired in September 2001, with a final record of 150 caps and 23 goals for his country and a European Championship and World Cup, a Serie A win in Italy to go with his seven Bundesliga triumphs and three DFB-Pokal medals, one UEFA Cup…. and zero European Cups.

The Many Myths of Moyes (well…. four)

Yes, my first entry is a football one, and it isn’t to do with the Mighty Spurs. I’m sure the Tottenham-related posts will outnumber the others as we go on, but after watching the League Cup semi-final first legs over the last two nights, when I turned on my thought percolator, this is what bubbled up.

Here are my thoughts on all the nonsense being spouted about David Moyes at the moment, from a neutral’s point of view. He’s in the papers a lot at present, having just lost three games on the bounce, to my beloved Tottenham in the Premier League, Swansea in the FA Cup, and Sunderland in the League Cup. Many things are being stated, including some naked facts without any context, to either criticize or support the Manchester United manager, and I fancy debunking a few of these myths as well as stating my own opinion. Remember – Spurs fan here, with neither affinity nor hatred towards the club, even though I freely admit liking them as a football club in terms of business model, footballing ethos and so forth. Clearly, I would prefer them to win the Premier League than any of the teams currently looking like having a chance of doing so. Having said that, I feel suitably unbiased in my assessment.

So here are some myths I’ve heard from both sides of the coin.

Myth #1 : (Prior to Sunderland) David Moyes lost fewer of his first 31 games in charge than some other lauded United managers (Moyes-7 Busby-8 Ferguson-9 Atkinson-9 Docherty-12 Sexton-13) so that proves he’s not actually doing that bad a job.
Reality : None of those managers inherited a league title winning squad filled with internationals and European cup winners, so the bare facts actually prove nothing.

Myth #2 : Moyes let United down by not doing better business in the transfer window, in particular signing Marouane Fellaini and nobody else of note.
Reality : Ed Woodward took charge of United’s transfer business (of lack thereof) in the summer, including the Cesc Fabregas debacle. Moyes had little say in it. People state that Moyes “took Fellaini with him from Everton” as though he were first choice, but that only happened when the deals that Woodward tried to broker for Fabregas, Mesut Özil and Luka Modric failed to bare fruit.

Myth #3 : Alex Ferguson only got the team to 11th in his first season in charge, so Moyes shouldn’t be judged yet.
Reality : Alex Ferguson took over the team well into the 86-87 season (November) with the team stuttering and threatened with relegation. Moyes started with a clean slate. While I agree that Moyes needs time to really make an impression on what is still near enough somebody else’s squad, that particular comparison is meaningless.

Myth #4 : Moyes should be doing better with the team he inherited.
Reality : (deep breath)

Winning the league with that squad papered over some cracks that Ferguson might have addressed before leaving. He’s basically inherited a team of players that :

(A) have never lived up to expectations – Nani, Anderson, Young, Valencia, Kagawa, Jones, Smalling ;

(B) are nearing the end of their usefulness – Vidic, Giggs, Evra, Ferdinand ;

(C) have had a lot of injury/illness problems – RvP, Fletcher ;

(D) are dramatically overrated due to their consistent appearances for a poor England side – Welbeck, Cleverley ;

(E) and Wayne Rooney, who is none of the above. Unsurprisingly, he has been Moyes’ best player this term.

To my mind, only van Persie’s goals, Joe Hart’s loss of form and Roberto Mancini’s ridiculous decision to split up the TITLE WINNING centre-back partnership of Vincent Kompany & Joleon Lescott prevented Manchester City from retaining the title, much as people might want to say it was Fergie being great. That side SHOULDN’T have won the title. It should have done marginally better than it is now, and it did, because van Persie for once stayed fit for most of the season. This season, obviously, he hasn’t. My point is, the team he inherited isn’t as good as a lot of people want to believe, and a lot of the blame has to fall at the feet of Woodward for being so utterly inept in the summer transfer market, especially concerning the Fabregas debacle.

The main problem that Moyes’ United have had (aside from one or two games – Southampton springs to mind – where his substitutions have been too negative on a one-goal lead) is that simply, the fear factor is gone. Technically you can point to giving the ball away cheaply on the edge of their own box, but that’s a confidence issue. United don’t have it, their opponents increasingly do. Teams that play Manchester United – even at Old Trafford – know before the game they have a chance of winning, and at 1-0 down in 2014 they know they still have a chance of salvaging something, whereas in years gone by conceding the first goal at the Theatre of Dreams was usually tantamount to conceding defeat itself. The message has been put out there – United away is a game you can win. West Brom have done it. Newcastle have done it. Everton have done it. Spurs have done it. Swansea have done it.

How you arrest that is simple, in theory. You win football games, the team grows in confidence, that confidence begets more victories. For that to happen, the team needs improvement. Most will suggest that the kind of quality of player that Manchester United would hope to attract in January is almost-exclusively not available in January, that most of the true quality out there comprises of players happy at their clubs, and at clubs unwilling to sell. I’d suggest there is one exception : Juan Mata.

While record-setting Frank Lampard and the exciting Eden Hazard may have garnered most of the attention and plaudits last season (well, when the latter wasn’t kicking ball boys), it is my conjecture that Mata was Chelsea’s best player, and yet he seems resigned to play a bit part in Jose Mourinho’s second spell in charge at Kings Road. With the strength in depth of attacking or creative players at his disposal – Lampard, Hazard, Oscar, Schürrle, De Bruyne, van Ginkel – Jose may be persuaded to let Mata leave. While the Spaniard has been a model pro in his comments regarding his status at Stamford Bridge, there was no hiding his contempt at being substituted during the Southampton game, and no player with World Cup aspirations wants to spend the next five months on the bench. For anyone suggesting Mourinho is too proud/arrogant to sell a player he officially insists IS a part of his plans, I put it to you that for the right price, Mourinho might be tempted to part with the influential midfielder, to get rid of a want-away player and give himself chance to come out in the press afterwards and declare “I will not sell to title rivals, but Manchester United are not a rival right now.” Come on ; that’s exactly the sort of thing he’d do, isn’t it?

Back to David Moyes – yes, it is too early to judge him. The club has already made it clear he will still be at the helm in the summer no matter what, and in the summer is when he will be judged, as it is expected that he will have far more influence in the players that United approach. 14-15 will be a truer indication of what “David Moyes’ Manchester United” will actually look like going forward, and personally speaking, I’m fascinated at the thought of what calibre player the club will be able to attract, especially if they have neither the cache of “come play for Sir Alex Ferguson” OR Champions League football to offer.

Sorry for that last bit, Stretford Enders, but it’s a possibility that shouldn’t be ignored.